Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
