By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
