They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My penis needs a shock collar
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
