I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
