Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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