I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
