Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
