god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
