My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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