god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
