A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
