only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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