I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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