News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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