I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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