Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
