I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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