Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
