Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No I am not eating basil off your cock
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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