What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
