I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
