a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Is it because I queefed?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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