you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
