had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
