Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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