Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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