she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
