Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
