So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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