If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
