I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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