Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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