Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The beer is more important than you right now.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
