I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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