a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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