You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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