woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
