I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
