I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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