We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
