I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
