sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
