I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
