Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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