non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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