called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
