Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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