i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
