the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
