too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
