So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
