I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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