Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
