hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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