You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
