Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
